Wednesday, July 1, 2009

I'm crying because I'm just so angry....

Because I can't tell anyone why I'm really upset, I will instead write a horrendously passive aggressive post about the library's condoning the purchase of books that piss me off.

Yeah, screw politically correct phraseology. These books are dumb and they piss me off.
It all started with The Dangerous Book for Boys:


Which was quickly followed by The Daring Book for Girls (someone must have complained, or perhaps they just realized they were missing out on half of the population that influenced the parental buyers):

It all went wonky from there. Books with retro covers and silly names were everywhere. Boys, girls, families, pets... Everyone had a how-to book. Awesome I'm generally all for it.
Until this morning when I came across The Boys' book of Survival: how to survive anything, anywhere. AWESOME! Right up my alley!


Well, these books usually come in gender pairs, so I skipped forward a few hundred Dewey's to find what sort of feminine counterpart a book that awesome could have. THIS IS WHAT I FOUND!!!

That's right, The Girls' Book of Glamour: a guide to being a goddess. I could go on and on about how ridiculous that is, but instead let me show you the back cover text for each:
The Boys' Book of Survival:
Be Brave. Be confident. Be prepared... Be a hero!
ever wonder how to survive:
  • A tornado? Turn to page 16.
  • A duel? Find out on page 23
  • A shark attack? Flip to page 30
  • An avalanche? Turn to page 60
  • In bear country? Find out on page 62
  • An essay crisis? Flip to page 97
  • Your teachers? Turn to page 125

Plus tons of other amazing survival skills! With easy-to-follow directions and helpful Illustrations, you'll have the skills you need to get through even the toughest day!

Now, when you compare that to The Girls' book of Glamour, you can see why my feminist ideals are all bent out of shape. And trust me, that's hard to do, because I have no feminist ideals!

Be confident. Be glamours. Be gorgeous... be the goddess you were born to be! Ever wonder how to:

  • Put on a fashion show? Flip to page 16.
  • Do a perfect pirouette? Flip to page 34
  • Give yourself a mini facial? Turn to page 45
  • Get the hair you really want? Find out on page 68.
  • Host a spa party? Flip to page 73
  • Write your first autobiography? Turn to page 108.

Plus more that ninety other fabulous things you need to know! With easy-to-follow directions and helpful instructions, it won't be long before you're a true goddess. After all, every girl deserves a life of glamour!

WRONG BITCHES! EVERY GIRL DESERVES TO KNOW HOW TO SURVIVE A SHARK ATTACK FIRST!

7 comments:

Fred Goodwin said...

Surely you're not advocating censorship on the part of our public libraries? Here's a suggestion for dealing with this: if you don't like the books, don't read them. Now, that wasn't so hard, was it?

Laura said...

Um, who are you? Clearly you don't know me if you think I would condone censorship. My friends would realize it's a joke. I read both and they were charming. Jeez.
It's called being tense because you're afraid the library is going to lay you off in the morning.

Kat said...

And besides, it's not at all advocating censorship, it's advocating having fun books about survival for girls and not just boys. It's about girls being just as prepared to fight off sharks as boys, and that books should be directed equally as such. Why must girls read about being pretty and princesses while boys read about outdoor adventure? There's definitely a certain disconnect there.

Andrea said...

So guess what? I'm actually starting to read peoples' blogs - which mainly welcomes me into about the year 2004. So since that fact establishes the subsequent fact that I'm far behind the curve and a relatively sorry excuse for an AE at an ad agency, I just wanted to say... is it bad if I purchased The Daring Book for Girls from a Fine Arts Fund book fair earlier this year with the intention of giving it as a gift to no one in particualr?

Andrea said...

I'm also really bad at using appropriate punctuation...

Andrea said...

And, and, and I bought the book solely for the shining letters on the cover!?!

Laura said...

no, that is acceptable.