Thursday, January 7, 2010

Dear Cincinnati


Please calm the *$#k down. Yes, your radio, internet, cell phone, tv and inappropriately intelligent car all said it's going to snow. I understand that this means you think you now have the right to drive like a maniac to the grocery store, gas station, library, mall or anywhere else you might have considered going, maybe some time, maybe this week. Yes, I also understand that this means you think it is ok to let your children run around like delinquents because they'll have 'all day to do their homework tomorrow' when the SNOW COMES!!!

WHITE DEATH!


TUNDRA WASTELANDS!!!!!

ICY APOCALYPSE!!!

Now, the truth may hurt. This is OHIO. Your children were off school yesterday because of an INCH of snow. The omnipotent Derek Beasley (who I now know for a fact used to drive a douchey yellow scion with black tinted windows and extra low slung body. (I.E. who I now KNOW is an epic douche nozzle.)) says maybe 3 inches. When has he ever been correct?

Let's look back at our snow history here in Cincinnati.

This is OHIO. If they know the snow is coming, it will fall for about 3/4 of an hour and then drift off to bother Dayton. If they hadn't mentioned it we would be under 3 feet by dawn. Your children will be off school because the roads are bad at 5 am (what else is new though?), but by the time they roll out of bed around 1 it will just be an ugly, dirty mess. Much like the one you now have your spawn trapped in. You have responsibilities as human beings to not let this terror turn you into an ass hat.

Drive carefully (Just because you have an SUV does not mean you have to try and kill innocent people driving ). Stay inside if you can (perhaps use this time for some quiet reflection on why your SUV is impractical for life in Anderson Township). Try to prevent your children from running out in front of the salt truck (Who am I kidding, let them go). When they are bored do not take them to Target. Do not drop them off at the library with the promise to pick them up 4 hours later.

But mostly, just stop talking about it! Spreading malicious gossip about the weather is harmful to your health. (It makes me want to kick your teeth in.) Have a lovely Snow Day.



This message brought to you with the knowledge that tomorrow the library will be closed at odd times and that, being off, I will receive no weather pay.

3 comments:

Thomas said...

HAHAAHAHA....but i type that from my bed. On a Thursday. When I should be at work.

Thomas said...

http://cmsimg.cincinnati.com/apps/pbcsi.dll/bilde?Avis=AB&Dato=20100106&Kategori=CINCI&Lopenr=301050011&Ref=TS&NewTbl=1&MaxW=280&Border=0

Kat said...

Man, our library never closes because of snow. Or cold. Or having no water... boo.