Sunday, May 16, 2010

How to self diagnose.

Doctors are totally overrated. Someone reminded me on Saturday that some large percentage of doctors graduate in some low percentages of their classes.... I wasn't really paying attention to the details... But really, these days who needs a doctor.

I've been sick for weeks and putting off going to the doctor because I assumed that what was wrong with me was the same thing that's been wrong with me this time of year annul annually since I was 12. Boy was I wrong!!!

I was laying around, unable to sleep, watching a little PBS. It's what I do. NOVA is better than any over the counter sleep aid. Give me some American Experience and a little cuddling and I'm out like a light... But I digress. Key points- can't sleep, watching Globe Trekker.

That jackass Ian Wright was climbing the Himalayas when he actually said something of profound relevance.
Ian Wright told me all the symptoms of ALTITIUDE SICKNESS... and something clicked! Clearly this is what I have! It sounded just like me.

Let's recap the symptoms of Acute Mountain Sickness:

The main symptom of elevation sickness is a MASSIVE HEADACHE that isn't helped by analgesics- Check!

When you have one of the following symptoms in combination with that head ache, you're pretty much screwed:
  • Lack of appetite, nausea, or vomiting- well nothing sounded good when I was looking for dinner...
  • Fatigue or weakness- yes.
  • Dizziness or light-headedness- Probably... I don't walk too straight.
  • Insomnia- we've already touched on that
  • Pins and needles- Yes! Yes, I couldn't feel my feet when I finally stopped kneeling in front of the TV!
  • Shortness of breath upon exertion- I don't even need to exert myself, this is totally true!
  • Nosebleed- well, I blow my nose so much that my snot is defiantly pink!
  • Persistent rapid pulse- Like a little bird.... a caffeinated little bird
  • Drowsiness- Duh... I can't sleep, that means I tried to for a reason!
  • General malaise- that's like the plague right? I feel like I have the plague...
  • Peripheral edema (swelling of hands, feet, and face)- Now that you mention it, my face DOES look kinda fat today!
  • Pulmonary edema (fluid in the lungs): Let's look into the symptoms of this... oh yeah, all of those!

    • Symptoms similar to bronchitis
    • Persistent dry cough
    • Fever
    • Shortness of breath even when resting
  • Cerebral edema (swelling of the brain): Uh-oh, these don't sound good... is this why I can't walk a straight line?

    • Headache that does not respond to analgesics
    • Unsteady gait
    • Gradual loss of consciousness
    • Retinal hemorrhage

So clearly, I am dying of Altitude Sickness. Here, in Ohio, altitude strikes again.

I mean, sure, I could have seasonal allergies, a sever overdose of caffeine and some swelling issues from too much ramen, but I think it TOTALLY makes more sense that I was attacked by a mountain in my sleep last night.

Doctors, who needs them.

7 comments:

Diane said...

Maybe you need a different kind of doctor ;-)

Amy said...

Go to a REAL doctor, pls.

Laura said...

You guys are no fun! I diagnosed Kathy, she also has Acute Mountain Sickness! I think this means we should close the branch and go take naps. Laying down is a good way to loose a little elevation.

Amy said...

Oh, well in that case, we all obviously have Acute Mountain Sickness.

Kat said...

Totally think there is something to this self-diagnosis thing, especially in Wyoming where apparently all doctors are quacks. Just took JM to the Dr., where they told him that his headache that is nowhere near his sinuses are from a sinus infection. Lame.

Chris said...

I agree. Doctors do not always help even though they make a SIX digit income! These days you have to take care of your own health! Most disease is from lifestyle habits.

Chris said...

Doctors cannot be trusted nowadays. We must take our health into our own hands!